I almost didn't get this post up. I know I haven't been around much these past few months, and while I wish I could blame it on the weather (though single digit temps don't help) it really just comes down to me, and the low I've been going through.
It's not easy to talk about the low points, especially in this space, where there is an imagined pressure to only ever be positive. I don't talk about my depression or anxiety, and when self doubt is addressed, it's usually in the self-deprecating-but-trying-to-be-funny kind of way.
Normally in this post I would look though all the posts of this past year and choose my favorites for each month. My best outfits, fun places visited, good times that make me smile. But when I looked back at 2017 I felt like all I saw were fake smiles hiding discomfort and uncertainty.
Back in September Sean and I broke up, and I've since moved back in with my parents as I can't afford anywhere else. After living together for two years I told him I wanted to get engaged, he told me he did not. So I'm back at square one and have been taking a break from trying to smile even though I'm sad.
I forgot I'd normally be posting my closet additions for the month today, and while I wish I could say I was good this month and didn't buy anything, that is quite to the contrary. I followed the classic holiday shopping rule of buying a gift and then also getting something for myself. I started with the cozy Loft sweater, then some satin pants from Ann Taylor (half off and free shipping is hard to ignore). Furry loafers at Target, a pair of earrings from Mejuri, and to top it off, $60 blue and white ornaments from Williams Sonoma.
I kind of want to say 'good riddance' to 2017 but I suppose the year wasn't all bad. Certainly not the year I'd wanted or hoped for, but at the end of the day, it was the year I created.
I don't know what 2018 will bring for me or for the blog. Maybe I'll start being more honest instead of only sharing the positive, but hopefully from here things can only go up.
2017 was, indeed, the year we all created. I love seeing you end this year by taking ownership of everything that happened, even the parts that didn't go the way you wanted them to. I understand feeling pressure to always be positive and lighthearted, or to be self-deprecating when you admit to feeling less than positive - but I can say from experience that when I have pushed my own boundaries and gone beyond that, the response has been overwhelmingly positive. Being vulnerable is hard. We aren't always ready for it, particularly in certain scenarios but - it can be so much more rewarding than we ever expect. I hope 2018 is a year that allows you to embrace and share everything you're going through, however positive or negative. Personally, I look forward to reading about it <3
ReplyDeletexox,
Cee
Sometimes looking back at the year that's passed can be a pretty rough experience but I love that you are open about the lows and setting yourself up to look forward and aim even higher in 2018. I love the honesty and (I think) optimism of this point. Things are usually always a bit (or a lot) of bad mixed with good and sometimes just embracing that is all we can do.
ReplyDeleteCourtney ~ Sartorial Sidelines
May 2108 bring you many blessings!
ReplyDeleteWanting the very best for you in 2018. Thank you for your authenticity; it really is a blessing to others/me.
ReplyDeleteIt is certainly never easy to talk about the hard things you are going through. There have been many posts I have deleted or rewritten because I decided they were things I didn't want to share. I hope 2018 is more positive for you!
ReplyDeleteWow, I'm so sorry about that, Lydia.
ReplyDeleteI can definitely relate. When I got divorced, I felt like the world was ending. But with the help of good friends, life did look up and get better. I wish for the same for you.
XOOX
Jodie
www.jtouchofstyle.com
Good for you for standing up for what you want out of life. Would you rather know now he didn’t want to get engaged, or ten years from now? As someone who did the same thing and found myself in the same position many years ago, just trust yourself. It works itself out and creates the life you are meant to have. Live your life, be happy and believe the universe has a plan for you. Many great wishes for a incredible new year.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry you're ending 2017 on such a sad note - I really hope that 2018 is even better for you! Please never feel any pressure to be anything other than yourself on your blog. Blogging is something you do to make yourself happy - so please, be as honest and upfront or gloss over the less than perfect things, only you can decide what you want to blog about in the end. Think of The Bloggess - she blogs funny things, sure, but also the dark times and it's that that makes her appealing. Your blog, you don't have to be or do anything you don't want to.
ReplyDeleteHere's to the end of 2017, and to new adventures (whatever they may be) in 2018. For what it's worth, any guy would be crazy lucky to be engaged to you. You're stylish, smart, fun, and beautiful Lydia!
Away From The Blue Blog
I'm so sorry that 2017 wasn't one of the great ones, and I'm sorry to hear about the breakup. It's good, however hard it is to hear, that you were able to have that conversation. How awful it would have been to stay in a relationship that you weren't on the same page with. When I left my last relationship, it was because I knew I would never say yes to marrying him. It was the hardest breakup of my life because we had been together for four years, but I would have never met Dave if I hadn't done what was best for me. I know you're probably not ready to sugarcoat it, but you'll get there. You deserve someone who is on the same page as you every step of the way. (Obviously I'm not one to push marriage, necessarily, since we're going on seven years together without a ring. But weddings are expensive and it was better for us to buy the house first. Haha.) It's hard to talk about the crappier times on a blog, but I hope you share more of the real you, too. :-)
ReplyDeleteHere's to 2018, which is bound to be so much better than this year! (House purchase aside, I'm also ready to say adios to '17. It was kind of a shitty year. Haha.)
xoxo
I'm so sorry to hear that 2017 has been hard on you. I appreciate your honesty, but I totally get that it's so hard to find the right amount to share without feeling like it's too much. However, despite that feeling of wanting to make this a positive space, just know there's a community out there who cares and wants to support you through both those picture-perfect moments and the crappy ones. I hope 2018 treats you better Lydia!
ReplyDeleteI so wish I could hug you. I admire you for many reasons, but one of which is that you were upfront in your relationship and although it didn't turn out how you wanted, you can rest knowing you were true to what you needed. I have not been and I've regretted it. I know that in the moment and moments after, it sucks, it sucks so hard. But you stood for what you needed.
ReplyDeleteThere is a community who cares, who notices and who you can reach out to. We don't just read you for the light and peppy stuff, we read because of you. Take your time. We'll be here!
Wow! I'm so sorry to hear about your breakup and the bad year you had! I too struggle with anxiety and depression and am always looking for ways to speak my truth on my blog and social media without sounding like a complete Debbie Downer, so I can totally relate! Life comes in waves. I pray that year of 2018 will bring you some great relationships and new opportunities that lead to happiness! Your in my thoughts girlie! Much love!
ReplyDeleteSorry to hear that you're going through a rough time. *Hugs* May 2018 treat you well!
ReplyDeleteThe downs are never easy to talk about. That’s tough, girl. Keep your head up and good things will come in 2018! Hoping for the best for you ��
ReplyDeletewww.jennaleeann.com
i liked the honest note. sorry about the breakup :( man these things suck. but keep your head up and breathe and remember you have a whole. life. ahead. of you!!!
ReplyDeletehappy new year girl!
I knew something was up as you were not the usual Lydia and now I feel bad because I should have asked.
ReplyDeleteI am really sorry to hear it, but you as tough as it may sound sometimes its better to be alone than where you are not valued. Like you say, its true, sometimes we want to show an all happy life when we all go through normal up and downs. I can only wish you an amazing year, full of positive moments and strength to get you through the the tough times. A big hug Lydia.
What a lovely read. This is so thoughtful of you to open up dear. I love reading genuine posts like this. Really puts things into perspective. Sorry to hear you ended 2017 in a sad note, and I wish you all the best for 2018.
ReplyDeleteJessica | notjessfashion.com
Great goals! I'd also love to get in the rhythm of reading a book each month. Why is that so hard?! Cute outfit!
ReplyDeletexx Leah / www.eatpraywearlove.com